Hello fellow readers of mine,
I have been on a mini hiatus, and for that I apologize. I haven’t had much inspiration to write anything lately and I didn’t want to force myself to write and publish something I wasn’t personally comfortable with. I believe there’s no point “half-assing” something you usually enjoy doing, for the sake of doing it. I love blogging and I want all my posts to be written to the best of my abilities, and done with love and passion. So here I am now, 11:55pm, just finished work and reflecting on myself as a person.
This blog post is merely a recollection of my thoughts and discussions that I had with my best friend. It was time to close shop, and not long before, I commented at how only one person helps me at work, and that they do it willingly, not just because they have to, but because they want to.
From there, my friend seemed to be upset by my comment and decided to help me; or, what really happened, sent someone else to help me. (DISCLAIMER: I ACTUALLY GOT MINIMAL TO NO HELP AT ALL IN REALITY.) From there, we started discussing our personal traits and how others view each other, and as time went by, we slowly attacked each other with hurtful comments and words to deprecate one another. All in all, it really was a huge eye-opener for some, and we understood our many faults that we needed to work on.
I was planning to talk about this all on twitter, but I wanted to gather all my thoughts on one post, rather than separating it all in short phrases limiting each post to 140 characters.
I discovered that not only do I think I come off as cold and heartless, but everyone around me does too. I asked the three people I was most closest with at the time, and questioned why they viewed me in this way. Turns out, that they think I’m heartless because I just don’t care for peoples feelings, and that I wouldn’t even worry if, God forbid, anything happened to them.
The reality is, yes, I do know I am cold, and I’ve always told everyone from the moment we begin to get to know each other, that I am a reserved, and cold person. But, saying that, I will open up to those around me if I feel comfortable around them. No I am not heartless; in fact, I am the complete opposite. I care way too much that I feel guilty putting my own basic needs before others, and I am the kind of person to simply put it, show tough love. I really hate baby-ing someone to the extend of them becoming dependant on me, which, is one of my biggest flaws; putting myself in a position where everyone has to depend on me.
A few people have told me I was wise, which isn’t really a trait, but is something that made me happy. They said I was wise because I was exposed and was forced to experience things, and gain knowledge of things I shouldn’t have learnt about, all at a young age up until now. I think the way Kei put it, was “I was an old man, trapped in a young adult’s body, living to spread my knowledge amongst others to help them grow as a person, and I needed to use that to my advantage.” Well Kei, I have been thinking about it, and yes, my biggest fulfillment is to make others happy, so I might take you up on that. Thank you.
One of my biggest flaws I see in myself, that only a few people have noticed in me is that despite my giving nature, I am very self-centred and quite selfish. Don’t get me wrong; like I said, I do like to make people happy, and I love to help, but at the expense of my own wellbeing and happiness. That desire, to be happy; I thinks that’s what makes me selfish. The fact I want to just push everyone else’s problems they share or include me in, away, and just focus on myself so I can finally smile. A real, unforced, natural smile. That, and I am so damn lazy, and I just want to eat and sleep and do nothing all day. Who was is, that told me they could never see me being lazy, ever.
I am a huge over-thinker. No doubt about it. I overthink the most trivial things, stuff I shouldn’t even be stressing over. Not long ago, I was just thinking of food, which led me to think about the potato salad my brother made, and from there I was thinking at how long it’s been in the fridge for. The hours, minutes, even seconds of how long ago it was made, whether it was even still edible and the factors that can lead the potato salad to be no longer edible, even though, deep down I know it still has a day and a half left in it before it needs to be disposed of.
If I wanted to keep going, I could, for at least 5 hours. But this post is becoming more of a rant and really longwinded and quite boring, isn’t it. I think I’ll stop here and move on to releasing more thoughts so I can finally feel free from everything I’ve kept to myself.
On to thought number two, which is one that’s dearly important to me, which I feel the need to be expressed.
love anthony ♡